Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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