She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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