i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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