Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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