On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
