Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
