Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
