im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Come see our sink grown plant.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
