I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
