I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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