I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
