Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize