Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
