I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
