the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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