I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
