Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
