a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
babies were throwing up all over the place
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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