he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
