Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
