Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
