i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
