4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize