I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
