i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
