she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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