this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
