The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
