I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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