I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize