I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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