I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
