Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
