Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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