She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
