Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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