I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He did a backflip because drugs
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