Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
