So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
