I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
