Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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