Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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