Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
