If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
