she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Randomize
