I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
