dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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