3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize