someone threw a dead crab at me
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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