New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
