I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
