how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
