We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize