While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize