I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
