I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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