Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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