Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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