I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
