just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
