I just saw a hot homeless man
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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